Joke Time!

Post your corny jokes here.. hahaha..^_^
let me start on this 1..

1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko...
"Paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo"

2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola?
"Ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko."

3. Uy papicture tayo!
"Para ma-develop tayo!"

4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita?
"Hindi, para lagi kita mamimiss."

5. Can i take your picture?

16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo?
May sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko.

17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba? Wala na akong maisip eh.
Coz all i ever think of is you.

18. I'm a bee.
Can you be my honey?

19. Nakakatakot di ba ang multo?
Pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko.

20. Am i a bad shooter?
Coz i keep on missing you.

22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight?
Oh gusto mong dumaan ulit ako?

23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh?
Kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad.

24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary?
Because you give meaning to my life.

25. Bangin ka ba?
++ Nahuhulog kasi ako sa'yo.

26. Pustiso ka ba?
Kasi, can't smile without you.

27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh?
Maghapon kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh.

28. Me butas ba puso mo?
Kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can't find my way out!

29. Anung height mo?
Ha? Pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko.

30. Hey, did you fart?
Coz you blew me away!

31. Sana "T" na lang ako.
Para I'm always right next to "U"

32. Are you Jamaican?
Kasi Ja-maican me crazy!

33. Hindi tayo tao.. Hindi tayo hayop.
BAGAY tayo. BAGAY talaga tayo.

34. Ako ay isang exam.
Kaya sagutin mo na ako.

35. Favorite Subject mo ba Geometry.
Kasi kahit saang angle ka tignan ang ganda mo eh!

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!


Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"

What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!

ERAP: Nurse, pls bring me hotwater bag. My toes are cold.

NURSE: Ur asking the wrong nurse, I'm the head nurse.

ERAP: ok, tell the foot nurse I need it now... Thanks!

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:


60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Sa sobrang dami ng DH na college grad, eto na ang makabagong pinoy na DH.....
* Isang makabago at Modernong Inday ang inyong masasaksihan dahil kailangang pang "Global" na tayo! *...

Inday sa interview ng bago nyang amo!"I believe that my expertise in management and skills with the
use of standard tools attained thru extensive training, coupled with discipline and experience, can significantly contribute
to the quality and value of work that is required. My creativity,
proficiency, efficiency and the high quality of work will boost productivity. .."

Inday sa amo nya kung bakit di sya nagluluto ng French fries. (Nutritionist din pala si Inday!)
"Potatoes, when consumed in their raw state are rapidly converted to
glucose that raise insulin levels because of its simple sugar. When
cooked in high temperatures like French fries, they produce large amounts
of free radicals in the body causing aging, clotting, inflammation,
cancer, and weight gain. One French fry is much worse than one cigarette."
Inday kasama si Junior sa principal's office. (Tulala ang principal)
"It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will instigate a fight. I can
only imagine how you can handle schizophrenic kids on this educational
institution. Revise your policies because it sucks!"

Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na wag malikot "Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages
and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment inflicted
upon you!"
Inday nung di sya pinautang at pinagmumura pa ng amo nya
"Nurture others with positive, truthful words, not words that hurt. It
doesn't cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you
mean. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with
your words."

si Inday, nagpapaalam para mamalengke! "Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my
proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made
initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could
vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and
demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis."

nageexplain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam (aba, career much si Inday!)
"The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased
amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those
actions are irreversible. I do apologize."


reklamo ni Inday ng natsismis sya ng kapitbahay! (di ko kinaya si Inday!)
"Listening to the nonsense talk about someone's life is a pathetic way
of entertainment. It doesn't contribute to the good of the society. I
hate character assassinators! "

astig talaga si Inday....
Amo: Day! bakit my bukol si junior?!'
Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight concussion at the left temple near the auditory organ.

Amo: ( nosebleed )...

ito malupit sa lahat...

Amo: Bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!

Inday: A change in weather patterns might have occurred, wreaking havoc
to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the
gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was
heading for.

Amo: ganon?!

....akala nyo nasa abroad na si inday? hindi pa...nasa pilipinas pa lang...kumukuha ng experience bago mangibang bansa..

wahahahahahahahaha

hay mabato kapa kay INDAY wahahahahaha...

ako din wahahahahahhaahah....

Three men, one American, one Japanese and a Filipino (of course) were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.


When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Filipino glanced around behind in and said ....


" Oh My , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax"

Iba talaga ang pinoy!!!

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing.

Come to find out that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away.The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla.

The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself.

He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know, gorilla things.As time wore on he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.

One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage.

The lion slowly opens his eyes and sees the gorilla.The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"Then the lion said, "Shut-up stup!d, or we'll both get fired!"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an id!ot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted..

:lol:i Love Jokes..Here you go.....
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she! says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds,Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say
anything about the $800 he owes me? ??this is jokes only........ but in our real life it can be happen too... so we have to be carefull all the time!

nyahahahahahaha... korniks wahahahahah (joke)

BISAYA 1:FRIEND ANO DIFIRINS NG OPINION AND CONCLUSION?
BISAYA 2:ANG TANGA MO NAMAN!PAPASOK KA SA PINTO KUNG OPIN-YUN.PIRO CON-CLOS-YUN DI PWDI!
PUMASOK!!!!

HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN ENGLISH NG MGA BISAYA.
ISDA-PIS
MUKHA-PIS
PANDIKIT-PIS
KAPAYAPAAN-PIS
TANONG PA AKO KUNG SAN AKO NAKATIRA
PIS 1 O PIS 2?

PISTI TALAGA!

whaaaaaaaaa.....adik ka vhan

GIRL:Love pagkasal na tayo di ka na manigarilyo?
BOY:Oo
Girl:maglalasing?
BOY:Di na rin
GIRL:Ano pa iiwanan mo?
BOY:Ikaw pag ayaw ko na sayo....
niahahahahaha...[/b]

nyhahahhahaha..text message!joke

Those Good Old Days;Naaalala mo pa ba noon na;
Diyes lng ang pamasahe,kandong libre pa
Ang babae lng ang my hikaw
Ang preso lng ang my tatto
Ang intindi mo ng LOL ay ULOL
Imbes na Laughing Out loud
ARCEGAS at ESCOLTA ang shoppingan
sa bansa
Diyes lang ang isang basong taho at kailangan mong magdala ng sariling baso,kasi wala pang plastic cups noon si manong na magtataho
Chocnut,bukayo at kending vicks ang pinaggastusan ng singko mo
Sarsi with egg ang pampataba at star margarine sa umga
Nagkakakalyo ka dahil sa manual typewriter pa ang ginamit mo para sa skul paper mo
Uso pa noon ang carbon paper
Tancho o superman ang pang ayos mo ng buhok
KLIM ang tinitimpla ng nanay para inumin mo bago matulog
Nakakapag grocery ka na 20 pesos lng ang dala
Anim na numero lng ang kailangan mong tandaan para tawagan ang kaibigan
Singkwenta sentimos lng ang song hits
Pango pa si vilma
Kay Paeng Yabut k lng naniniwala pag ukol sa panahon ang balita
Sinkwenta sentimos lng ang pa-gupit
Pinagtatawanan ang kalbo
Hinhi uso ang gusot ang buhok at butas ang damit
Nakakahiya kong nkalitaw ang halfslip ng babae
Ngayon nakadisplay pa ang panty at pusod
Lalaki pa noon si Ernie Maceda si Senator Sonny Osmena
Hostes noon ngayon GRO na
Payat na payaaaaaaaaaaaaaat ka pa noon(AT NGAYON?)
Highway 54 pa noon ang Edsa
Songhits lng katalo mo sa pagkanta...ngayon naka Karaoke at videoke pa sa halagang 5 pesos
Kung di mo naaalala yun,eh......tsk......tsk.......tsk.......talagang matanda ka na.................ANGAL PA>>>hahahahaha>>>

lol... wahahahahahahahaah

a pilot flying over the jungle was having trouble with his plane and decided
to bail out before it crashed...so he got his parachute..and jump!pulled the rip-cord,and drifted gently down to land......unfortunately he landed right in a large cooking pot which a tribal chief simmering gently over a fire...the chief looked at him and rubbed his eyes,looked again....??and ask
what this flier doing in my soup?????nyhahhahaha....